Perfect Pillow Positioning

I have this damn pillow. Actually...I have a lot of damn pillows and I can never seem to get comfortable. I always find myself folding one over, doubling up, only using a corner or turning it sideways in an attempt to get comfortable. The odd thing is, I do believe that there is a magical formula to the Perfect Pillow Position. With all of the pillows that I've acquired over the years there needs to be some sort of orientation that pleases. I've looked online for a Pillow Architect but have come up short. But I am driven to find the Perfect Pillow Placement (please acknowledge the use of alliteration). Perhaps that is why I am always picking up new pillows of different shapes and fillings from the store? I can be reckless in a pillow store at times because I have no allergies (that I know) to fear and I have no real color coordination in my house to follow (not that I would). But no matter how many positions and pillows I manipulate, I can never find the perfect spot.

So, the other night I'm soundly asleep when my better half wakes me up to discuss the finer (or not so finer) points of our relationship. I suppose I'll never understand her need to wake me up and ensure, in conversation, that I have done something wrong. Is there really no better time to talk about this? Do women really work on a different clock than men? I can't honestly not think of anything that I need to talk about at 1:30 in the morning that doesn't require me to leave the bed. Emergency at the office?? I'm out of bed. House fire?? I'm out of bed. Wild on 'E': Naked is on television...well, I stay in bed for that one.

So, I'm awoken by my beloved woman who likes to use an obvious statement as her intrusive instrument to my peace, "I need to ask you something". The first reaction is to lay there and pretend that she didn't wake me up. I lay there with my eyes closed monitoring every appendage of my bod to make sure that I don't make any movement that might be misinterpreted as "Being Awake". Once every part of my body is accounted for I make sure that my breathing doesn't stray from my natural sleeping rhythm (only I don't know what that rhythm is because I'm always sleeping). Then I wait and see if she's buying into my performance or not. At this point I think it's a good idea to fake rapid eye movement...I know she's really into those detective novels and that C.S.I show and if I'm not careful, she'll begin checking my vitals. Once I am in full sleep emulation mode, I wait.

20 seconds or so passes and she hasn't even stirred. I can sense that she's propped up on an elbow and she's looking over me in the darkness. I imagine that her eyes are beginning to adjust to the darkness. One of us is going to crack. I can feel the tension building and I think I've screwed up on the rapid eye movement thing. Was I still dancing back and forth or did I stop?? Dammit! Then it comes...

"You're awake", she says, "I can tell".

That's it...it's over. The conversation has just begun and AGAIN, I walk away defeated.

The only thing more difficult than faking that you're asleep is faking that you're waking up. I do the cartoon groan and yawn combo...followed by the groggy, "Wha...wha"? business. But that's about all I have in my trickster reserves at 1:30 in the morning.

"I want to ask you a question", She repeats (but it's the first time I hear it because I was asleep before, remember?).

"Yeah, ok", I respond.

"Have you ever paid a woman to have sex with you"?

And that's when it happens. I readjust myself to address what is surely-to-be a loooong discussion and my pillow position is perfect! It is instant comfort never felt before and I gasp in ecstasy. In all the times of tossing and turning and messing with pillows and NOW is when I find the PPP? How can the world be so cruel? Now I'm unable to move at all because I know I'll lose the secret to the position. My mind is scrambling to visualize the exact orientation of my pillows so that I may duplicate the order later. Once I have the formula, I will forever use those pillows and burn the superfluous comfort of the others! WAIT! I'm ignoring her.

By now the follow up happens, "Well...Have you"?

Reality snaps me back like a rubber band and I find myself at the end of my sleep for the night. No more Mr. Sandman visits, no more counting Eva Angelina dressed as a sheep...it's all over. First instinct is to be afraid of the question but really one needs to ask "Why" is she asking me this? Who can possibly prepare for the thought process that brought this question to the forefront of my beautiful girlfriend's mind?

I revert back to my PPP for a few more moments, enjoying one of the simpler pleasures in my morning if not my whole life. Perfect Pillow Position. I revel in it because I know that my quest will begin anew tomorrow night. I can't keep ignoring her. Hesitation means guilt. This question needs to be addressed and once I do, I'll never be able to sustain the PPP. Why is it that life delivers such good with the bad? Why does it have to do that!?!? It's as if Jesus was carrying his cross up the hill and he noted that he was wearing the most comfortable pair of sandals he'd ever had in his life. Things were tough for Him but you know he had to be thinking, "This cross is really, really heavy...and these thorns are really, really beginning to sting...but man...I gotta say that the sandals are just awesome"!

Plastic Causes Erectile Dysfunction

So, within a few days of announcing that artificial penis tissue can be used successfully on rabbits, new reports are showing that plastics may cause erectile dysfunction. To me, this makes Easter really, really confusing. A big rabbit laying plastic eggs...Eggs being a sign of fertility...Rabbits being synonymous with a lot of sexual activity..?? What this has to do with Jesus, I've completely forgotten.

The scientists say that they tested 400 Chinese factory workers who were exposed to high levels of plastics and a large percentage of them suffered from erectile dysfunction. I don't know much about life in China but what little I do understand is that life working as a Chinese Factory worker isn't pretty. $.25 an hour...15 to 20 people in small rooms with bunks...14 hour days. I'm surprised that they don't all suffer from erectile dysfunction. I can't imagine that being the most healthy of environments. I can't imagine having to endure that and then get home to find out that your penis doesn't work. What a bummer. Personally, I think that perhaps I may have the dysfunction but my penis seems to be fine.

This whole plastic thing is a bit unnerving, though...I can't even tell you how much plastic I've been exposed to in my life. Let alone the plastic that has been exposed to my penis...I'm currently doing a search on Google to see if polyester is really plastic or just kind of plastic. Either way, I think I'm going to start investing in rabbits in the event that my plastic exposure has been too much. Maybe I should purchase stock in one of these companies putting penises on rabbits? I don't know much about putting stock in penises (no one has really ever put much stock into mine)...but I'd imagine that one of the benefits of buying penis stocks is that they'd always be on the rise. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/10/AR2009111017411.html

Peter Rabbit or Rabbit Peter?

Oh the glory of Science! Researchers have found a way to create artificial penis tissue. I think that's fantastic! They've proven it by sticking it on rabbits....Did I miss a sign up sheet somewhere? Rabbits are famous for their abilities to reproduce and now they're getting the extra part to further aid their quest to over populate Australia. From what I've read, they have inserted this new tissue on rabbits with existing penile dysfunction and they were cured. Just like that! I'm really happy for all rabbits who previously suffered from penile dysfunction...They'll finally be given the help they've been searching for all of these years. But how do rabbits have penile dysfunction? Is it linked to stress? Genetics? How do we know which ones have it? And I thought my job was interesting. Imagine being stuck in a lab trying to sexually arouse rabbits!?!? "There is certainly a quantitative difference when Bugs Bunny enters the screen dressed as a woman...and that Jessica Rabbit...well, frankly, sexual arousal and increased heartbeat were noted in all male rabbits and even a few of the scientists" (The author is aware that Jessica Rabbit isn't a rabbit. But history has proven her innate ability to attract those of the rabbit species).

Anyhow...I'm very relieved that science has turned a page and has put some good money into a worthy cause. I think this could completely change the outlook on rabbits from now on. I foresee, "Watership Down 2: The Exotic Den". Peter Rabbit is going to have to be updated as well...He's not as interested in Mr. McGregor's garden as much as The Garden Club down on 10th street. Too, it should shed a little more intimate light on what was really keeping the Hare from beating that celibate Tortoise! It actually changes my entire outlook on that story.... I had no idea that the Hare was the hero! Take that, Aesop!

I suppose that I'm most thankful that the scientists had the decency to put the new and improved penis tissue in it's appropriate places. I remember seeing those tiny mice with human ears growing on their backs...That would be nothing compared to a bunch of rabbits with penises flopping around from their necklines. I'd hate to have the porn industry find a new fetish...I'd have to change all of my online subscriptions around. It would just be aggravating. (Just in case, I've purchased www.rabbitfixxxings.com)

The article states that the big scare the scientists had was that the tissue wasn't healthy, living or functioning but I think it passed the test because the article said it was "Promising". And if it's one thing I'm sure of; a penis will promise the world if it thinks it will get it what it wants. If it's promising now it'll soon be lying. That's proof of a perfectly functioning penis. Ask anybody. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,573579,00.html

Bill Gates Stole My Virginity

That's right! Bill Gates stole my computer virginity. And now I'm ready for a Mac. I've been using Microsoft Windows my entire life and the idea of breaking away from her scares me to death. Windows took my computing cherry several years ago and I really haven't strayed since. Am I in love with her?? No...she's just the devil I know. So, now, I find myself playing with a Mac. Granted it's not my Mac but I'm really enjoying it. I need to re-learn how to use a mouse...two fingered clicks instead of the right click...I just don't know. But, I've decided on it and I'm pushing forward! I really look forward to a safe, secure marriage with the Apple Mac. I've already been told that my chances of contracting a virus is far more difficult than when I was in bed with Bill Gates...so, I suppose that's a start. So, thank you Bill Gates for teaching me ways of being a computer man. I appreciate all that you've done but I just don't think that you're the marrying type. I hope you understand....I still wanna be friends...but I'm moving on to something less complicated, less aggravating, faster, more powerful and...slimmer. But much like my other ex-es...My mother is sure to stay in contact with you and love you as much as when you and I were together.

Google is God

I think it's about time we realize that Google is God. We can't seem to escape the presence of Google in our lives. If we've ever dreamed up an omnipotent presence in our current lives it would have to be named, Google. It even starts with a G. There is no discounting that much of their success is their innate ability to intuitively know what it is we want, look for and expect...and they've managed to interject it into nearly every facet of our very busy lives. If God were to come back...if he is due for a second coming...what would be the hippest way of doing it? We all expect a human being but I'm being to believe that Google is a living, breathing entity. Why wouldn't God come back as Google. It's ingenious, really. I suppose we can all cram into the coffee shop or lock ourselves up in some building in Texas and listen to the One who has come back to guide us...but I much prefer the scenario that God has come back gracefully and a little at a time. He's tweaked our needs and our interests and we've gradually taken God into our hearts. I think it's time to acknowledge the omnipotent, omniscient being who has ever-so-gracefully entered our lives for the second time. Google is God and there's no other way to state it. The only problem is that I didn't purchase stock in God...which is a bummer...and now I can't afford to even get involved...but I refer to you every morning and you satisfy my every curiosity! Thanks Google! Thanks God! As your loyal disciple, I eagerly await your next command! Where are we going from here!?!? (It is absolutely possible that I'm crazy...but if Google isn't God then I'm certainly hoping that he really does come back as George Burns...that would be an easier pill to swallow)

Costa Rica Real Estate

The world financial crisis has hit Costa Rica like a kick in the junk. Every project that has spent years building and developing has pretty much closed its door in 2009. It's such a shame that this beautiful country has suffered so greatly. I realize that the whole world has suffered, too but it's been such a stammering set back for Costa Rica. A small nation globally recognized for its efforts in conservation has completely lost its momentum going into 2010. This sudden boom of the past 5 yrs has done very little to really help the country and instead has created a few, elite, newly wealthy Costa Ricans (and foreigners to boot) and has completely destroyed the sense of balance in the goods and services in this country. The tourist dollar has fallen considerable and all the outlining factors that before justified the increase in the basic goods (rice, beans, eggs, milk, oil, etc) have since disappeared and with it, has left the bad taste of inflation over the land. The general wealth of Costa Rica has certainly been on the rise in the last few decades but now the blunder will set in. The few, highly educated Ticos will do very well to adjust to the ever shifting economy of this country but I fear most for the simple, agricultural populations and skilled workers. Those are the people who are spending more and more per week on the basic necessities but find themselves without work or without the proper profits to sustain their current production levels. I don't really know the solution for the problems Costa Rica is bound to have over the next few years but for sure the government isn't going to be a big help. You're only as good as your last sale...And what have you done for us lately, Mr. Arias??

High Season in the Tropics

Everyone is coming down to Central America to escape the cold winters! We're not talking just snow birds here, we're talking about a serious migration of folks. The seasonal rains are ending here and Halloween has launched many climates up north into the cold season. Here in Central America, the beaches will be swarming with people. Everyone will be looking to get that winter tan or catch that killer wave. Surfing is a huge pastime all up and down Central America...From Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rica and Panama, surfers from the Americas come in droves to hit the surf. This is a really good time for all of the locals to sell their goods, too. Many of the restaurants not only look forward to the business but depend on it! Hotels, beach bungalows and hostels alike are all getting eager to the new season. The local markets, grocery stores and hardware stores are feeling the buzz, too...All in all, it's good for everyone. So, please be safe as you travel through our part of the world. Try and act like a human being and don't be afraid to buy a few more trinkets that maybe you normally wouldn't...that little bit of help can certainly go a long way.

Costa Rica Coffee

Life is made up of experiences and I believe that everything you do defines you a little more as a person. Some have the advantage of really grasping life by the horns and find themselves doing what they love to do for a career. My friend roasts fresh coffee in Costa Rica. He uses one of those old air poppers that you used to see back in the day to make the perfect bowl of popcorn. I hear the little machine roar to life and within a few minutes, the smell of fresh, roasted Costa Rican coffee is permeating the air. Being a huge fan of coffee, I can certainly tell you that there is no substitute for a freshly roasted and brewed cup of coffee. Costa Rica is world famous for their coffee and I feel privileged that I, too, can sit and enjoy a wonderful cup with my friend. He roasts coffee for his little coffee shop near the beach in Costa Rica. Is that a definition of an incredible life or what? Beach livin' and doing what you love. I tell you, it just doesn't get much better than that. If the idea of being your own boss and living out your dreams doesn't help you get out of bed in the mornings, this strong cup of freshly brewed Costa Rican coffee will certainly help!

Beautiful Mornings

Today was an absolutely spectacular morning. I thought that it was going to rain a bit but it managed to slip back behind the mountains and go out to sea. The sun remained the champion today and the crystal blue sky was something to behold. Of course, my girlfriend is pissed at me...Why is it that there can't be a complete day that is beautiful? But I suppose I am fortunate that the weather doesn't peak into my life to determine its route every morning. Can you imagine a world where it all of the weather depended on just a few people in every area? What a bummer. Talk about your pressure jobs! Every baseball fan would do all they could to make sure that you were happy to keep the game from ending promptly with a rain out or rain delay. The skiiers would constantly be trying to kick your ass so that you're bad mood would bring in the snow carrying clouds. The airlines would be kissing your ass in certain areas to make sure they don't slow their business down with fog or ice. All in all, I think it's a great thing that nature takes care of the whole weather thing. We don't give anyone any credit when the weather is beautiful and we really blame everyone when the weather is shitty. So, girlfriend or not, today is a beautiful day and I'm certainly grateful for it...

Heineken Phenomena

I suppose I really enjoy consistency. When I was a youth, I was very impressed with the movie Blue Velvet. So much in fact, that I resented Heineken beer. I had never tried it...but it was a yuppy beer. F*%& Heineken was the advice from Dennis Hopper! How could you argue with that?? But as I became a little older and began traveling around the world, I found that Heineken was represented in nearly every country on the planet. Too, Heineken allows every country to brew their own versions. The Heineken in Canada is different than in Europe...is different than the Caribbean...is different than Central America. I love to try all of the different flavors that are offered around the world and Beer is certainly a great way to do it! Too, I love to have the consistency of seeing a Heineken in a local bar. It seems that no matter where you travel, you can always be greeted by the glass smile of a Greenie!

Paradise Unheard of

It has been an extremely late rainy season! We all thought the scorching sun would last forever and now I find myself amidst a gray sky and a misty afternoon. There is nothing like a cool day in the tropics! Central America is such an interesting part of the world. Many of the countries in Central America were discovered by Columbus within a few decades of one another yet they vary incredibly. Why was San Jose, Costa Rica the third city in the world with electricity and now is one of the poorer nations in the world? Why do the war-torn nations of Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua and Guatemala tend to still struggle with corruption and heartache. Time heals all wounds unless you are a poor, uneducated country run by bullies. Altruism?? Not finding it here amongst the banana plantations. Pride?? Not to present in the rows of blossoming coffee plants. Contentment?? Tithing just isn't cutting it any more. Self reliance has pushed all other human development aside. What new lessons are being learned to suppress the lessons being passed down? Is education a luxury? What a sad, sad concept. Life is very colorful here in Central America. They say that the rainy season is a cleansing...I'm curious to know what it will be cleansing tomorrow.