Perfect Pillow Positioning

I have this damn pillow. Actually...I have a lot of damn pillows and I can never seem to get comfortable. I always find myself folding one over, doubling up, only using a corner or turning it sideways in an attempt to get comfortable. The odd thing is, I do believe that there is a magical formula to the Perfect Pillow Position. With all of the pillows that I've acquired over the years there needs to be some sort of orientation that pleases. I've looked online for a Pillow Architect but have come up short. But I am driven to find the Perfect Pillow Placement (please acknowledge the use of alliteration). Perhaps that is why I am always picking up new pillows of different shapes and fillings from the store? I can be reckless in a pillow store at times because I have no allergies (that I know) to fear and I have no real color coordination in my house to follow (not that I would). But no matter how many positions and pillows I manipulate, I can never find the perfect spot.

So, the other night I'm soundly asleep when my better half wakes me up to discuss the finer (or not so finer) points of our relationship. I suppose I'll never understand her need to wake me up and ensure, in conversation, that I have done something wrong. Is there really no better time to talk about this? Do women really work on a different clock than men? I can't honestly not think of anything that I need to talk about at 1:30 in the morning that doesn't require me to leave the bed. Emergency at the office?? I'm out of bed. House fire?? I'm out of bed. Wild on 'E': Naked is on television...well, I stay in bed for that one.

So, I'm awoken by my beloved woman who likes to use an obvious statement as her intrusive instrument to my peace, "I need to ask you something". The first reaction is to lay there and pretend that she didn't wake me up. I lay there with my eyes closed monitoring every appendage of my bod to make sure that I don't make any movement that might be misinterpreted as "Being Awake". Once every part of my body is accounted for I make sure that my breathing doesn't stray from my natural sleeping rhythm (only I don't know what that rhythm is because I'm always sleeping). Then I wait and see if she's buying into my performance or not. At this point I think it's a good idea to fake rapid eye movement...I know she's really into those detective novels and that C.S.I show and if I'm not careful, she'll begin checking my vitals. Once I am in full sleep emulation mode, I wait.

20 seconds or so passes and she hasn't even stirred. I can sense that she's propped up on an elbow and she's looking over me in the darkness. I imagine that her eyes are beginning to adjust to the darkness. One of us is going to crack. I can feel the tension building and I think I've screwed up on the rapid eye movement thing. Was I still dancing back and forth or did I stop?? Dammit! Then it comes...

"You're awake", she says, "I can tell".

That's it...it's over. The conversation has just begun and AGAIN, I walk away defeated.

The only thing more difficult than faking that you're asleep is faking that you're waking up. I do the cartoon groan and yawn combo...followed by the groggy, "Wha...wha"? business. But that's about all I have in my trickster reserves at 1:30 in the morning.

"I want to ask you a question", She repeats (but it's the first time I hear it because I was asleep before, remember?).

"Yeah, ok", I respond.

"Have you ever paid a woman to have sex with you"?

And that's when it happens. I readjust myself to address what is surely-to-be a loooong discussion and my pillow position is perfect! It is instant comfort never felt before and I gasp in ecstasy. In all the times of tossing and turning and messing with pillows and NOW is when I find the PPP? How can the world be so cruel? Now I'm unable to move at all because I know I'll lose the secret to the position. My mind is scrambling to visualize the exact orientation of my pillows so that I may duplicate the order later. Once I have the formula, I will forever use those pillows and burn the superfluous comfort of the others! WAIT! I'm ignoring her.

By now the follow up happens, "Well...Have you"?

Reality snaps me back like a rubber band and I find myself at the end of my sleep for the night. No more Mr. Sandman visits, no more counting Eva Angelina dressed as a sheep...it's all over. First instinct is to be afraid of the question but really one needs to ask "Why" is she asking me this? Who can possibly prepare for the thought process that brought this question to the forefront of my beautiful girlfriend's mind?

I revert back to my PPP for a few more moments, enjoying one of the simpler pleasures in my morning if not my whole life. Perfect Pillow Position. I revel in it because I know that my quest will begin anew tomorrow night. I can't keep ignoring her. Hesitation means guilt. This question needs to be addressed and once I do, I'll never be able to sustain the PPP. Why is it that life delivers such good with the bad? Why does it have to do that!?!? It's as if Jesus was carrying his cross up the hill and he noted that he was wearing the most comfortable pair of sandals he'd ever had in his life. Things were tough for Him but you know he had to be thinking, "This cross is really, really heavy...and these thorns are really, really beginning to sting...but man...I gotta say that the sandals are just awesome"!